The Best of Memphis According to Fantasy Lapides

It’s come to my attention that the Memphis Flyer published its annual“Best of Memphis” reader poll. Like all polls, the last thing you want to do is to let the public contribute. So as I do with college football polls and other rankings, I’ll give you my list which naturally is much more accurate than anything else out there, frankly.

Best Chef: (3 way tie) Ronnie Grisanti, Judd Grisanti, Alex Grisanti
Best Lunch: (3 way tie) Mr. B’s, Germantown Commissary, Mortimers
Best Breakfast: The Cupboard
Best Steak: Mr. Bs
Best Chopped Steak: Mr. B’s
Best Crawfish Étouffée: Mr. Bs
Best Lamb Chops: Mr. B’s
Best BBQ: Germantown Commissary
Best Brunswick Stew: Germantown Commissary
Best Burger: Already covered previously
Best Fried Chicken: Gus’s (you can't deny that it’s some kind of good)
Best Dinner Spot on Houston Levee Road: Jim’s Place Grill
Best Restaurant Where You Don’t Have to Shout to Have a Conversation: Paulette’s
Best Hotel: (2 way tie) Hilton, River Inn of Harbortown
Best Bank: Bank of Bartlett (Honorable Mention goes to the Land Bank of North Mississippi)
Best Insurance Agent: Zootie Loosier
Best Meat Packer: Fineburg Packing Company
Best Dry Cleaner: Bensinger’s (11 locations, but I prefer Poplar near White Station)
Best Dairy: Turner Dairy
Best Candy: Dinstuhl’s (Laurelwood location is best)
Best Clothing Store: Oak Hall (Honorable Mention goes to Vineyard Vines by Oak Hall)
Best Golf Shop: Edwin Watt’s Golf
Best Outdoors Store (for hunting and fishing, etc.): Tommy Bronson
Best Shipping Company: FedEx
Best Ford Dealer: Landers Ford Lincoln Mercury
Best Place for a Haircut or a Massage or a Facial: Gould’s
Best Diamond Merchant and Swiss Watch Selection: Doron’s Diamond Merchant
Best Baseball Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Best Local Sports Team: Memphis Tigers (basketball only)
Best Longest Running Sports Talk Show in America: Sportstime with George Lapides
Best Potential Successor to Boat Woloshin as Sports Time Co-Host: Greg Gaston (the kid’s got potential)

UPDATE FROM FANTASY LAPIDES
Some readers pointed out a couple of oversights on my part, so here are a few late additions.

Best Airport Parking Facility: Park It Here (did you know they offer valet service?)
Best Frozen Fruit Salad: Mortimer's
Best Moussaka: Jim's Place Grill
Best Company to Make Your Backyard Look Fabulous: Pettit's Lawnscapes
Best Company to Call When Your A/C or Heat is on the Fritz: Climate Zone
Best Place for Coffee and Interesting Gifts and Whatnot: Crema Coffee

Fantasy Lapides Ranks SEC Coaches

Being down at SEC Media Days, everybody's talking about and predicting how well their teams will do. As the originator of sports-talk radio in Memphis, I naturally found a different angle to cover this event.

Instead of ranking coaches on their coaching ability (which all hack reporters or colunmists do), I'm ranking them on a combination of golf ability, personality, and taste in food. I call it the Fantasy George index.

Top Tier: These fellows are terrific. High marks across all categories.

• Steve Spurrier: No contest. The old ball coach is the best.
• Houston Nutt: He's a pisser.
• Mark Richt: A good guy. You can trust his restaurant recommendations.
• Rich Brooks: A better golfer than you'd expect. And he knows everybody.
• Tommy Tuberville: HONORARY - Tommy, you'll be missed.

2nd Tier: Generally good, but some flaw keeps them out of the top group. 

• Urban Meyer: Good golfer, but not much fun to be around.
• Gene Chizik: Terrible golfer.
• Bobby Johnson: Great story teller, but terrible taste in food.

Bottom Tier: Major problems. Frankly, I don't want to be around any of them for more than 5 minutes. 

• Bobby Petrino: Jerk.
• Dan Mullen: Bad golfer and terribly boring.
• Les Miles: Unbearible.
• Nick Saban: All the bad stuff you've read is true. None of the good stuff is.
• Lane Kiffin: Terrible in every way. California must have done it to him because I know Monte raised him right.

There you have it folks.

Fantasy Lapides reveals top ways to drive from East Memphis to Downtown

Between driving to sports events, to interviews, and to visit my sponsors, I've driven a lot of miles in Memphis. And I really know how to get around this place. Today I'll highlight some of the best ways to get from East Memphis to Downtown.

Best route overall: Walnut Grove to Perkins to Sam Cooper to E. Parkway to N. Parkway to 3rd Street.

2nd Best route overall: Park to Goodlett to Central to Cooper to Peabody to Linden to 2nd Street.

Best route 9am-4pm: Park to Goodlett to Poplar to Union to 2nd Street (avoid during rush hour).

Best route through Orange Mound: Park to Lamar to Linden to 2nd Street.

Best route between 8pm-6am: Walnut Grove to Poplar to 3rd Street.

Best Interstate Route: I-40 Westbound, exit on 2nd/3rd St.

Streets to avoid at all times: Madison, Highland between Central and Park, Summer.

I also have directions and best routes for all sorts of places outside Memphis such as Brownsville, Birmingham, St. Louis, etc. I'll post those later.

Kansas City: The Armpit of America

You probably noticed from my recent tweets that I can't stand Kansas City (Missouri or Kansas, but especially Kansas). Normally, I wouldn't waste my time writing a blogpage about Kansas City - even to describe how much I hate it. But I'm stuck here for 3 days to watch the Tigers in the Tournament, so all the reasons why this place hacks me off are fresh on my mind.

Besides, I need something to occupy my time in the hotel room.

Their Bar-B-Que

Kansas City style bar-b-que is underserving of the name. Beef brisket drowned in too-sweet sauce tastes horrendous. The worst from Memphis is better than KC's best.

Their Restaurants In General

Are just average. There's nothing special here.

The Royals

Talk about a poorly run baseball club. The Redbirds field a more competitive team. Their owners are some of the biggest tighwads I ever met.

Their Weather

Generally awful. Even by Memphis standards.

Their Manners

Among the most poorly mannered people I've ever encountered. They make the German tourists seem downright courtly.

Their Appearance

Based on the beauty of the average citizen KC, there must be a requirement for all residents to be hit in the face with the ugly stick. Their collective waistlines suggest that everyone eats a pound or 2 of brisket every day. I also suspect that there is a city-wide ban on cosmetics and beauty shops.

In Conclusion

Frankly, I think Mike Slive was settling an old score by seeding Memphis 2 in the West and forcing me to return here. God knows the Tigers are about the only reason I'd come here (the other being if the Cardinals played KC in the World Series, but that's unlikely - see above).

Fantasy Lapides shares his dream Jeopardy board

Many are the perks of being the originator of sports talk in Memphis and the host of the longest running sports talk show in America. Among the best is having the day wide open after the show ends at 9am.

My post-show day pretty much revolves around being home at 3:30 to watch Jeopardy! on Newschannel 3. As you might suspect (from my prowess on Trivia Thursdays) I'm pretty darn good at playing. 

After all these years of playing along, I've come up with my "dream board". If I were ever a contestant and these categories came up, I'd frankly be unstoppable.

1. St. Louis Cardinals
2. SEC Football
3. Memphis Tiger Basketball
4. Restaurants/Places to Eat
5. Directions/Fastest ways to travel
6. Potent Potables

It's obvious that these are not the only areas of my expertise. So I'd likely ace other categories too. In the interest of fairness, I've instituted a self-imposed ban on actually being a Jeopardy contestant and will continue to play along in front of the T.V.

Fantasy Lapides comments on the ASA's list of Top 50 Broadcasters

One of my listeners sent me a link the American Sportscasters Association's list of Top 50 sportscasters. I reviewed it and I've got to tell you, this list is horrendous. Besides the fact that I was not asked to contribute, here are 3 reasons why you can safely dismiss this list:

#10 Dick Emberg - this hack? you've got to be kidding me. 

#35 Chris Berman - seriously? he's a moron.

#39 Bill Walton - I'm speechless.

Furthermore, a list of great sportscasters that omits John Ward is worthless. Now, we  all agree that the Tennessee Vols are just about the most obnoxious college program around, but we can't deny John Ward's greatness.

Fantasy Lapides Ranks Top Sausages

Nothing hit's the spot like hot, juicy sausage. I've been alive a very long time and I've eaten a whole lot of them. Here's my list of the top sausages.

1. Boudin - irreplaceable, I can't imagine New Orleans without it.
2. Chorizo - any mexican restaurant without it on the menu should be shut down immediately. 
3. Vienna - trashy? yes, but I'm not proud.
4. Andoule - eating one a week is the secret to my virility and longevity.
5. Kielbasa - also called Polish Sausage, but I like to be authentic. 
6. Bangers - good to eat and fun to say.
7. Breakfast - links or patties, I'm not picky.
   

I recommend Kielbasa sold under the Starling Label from the Fineberg Packing Company. They don't make the other types of sausage, but if they did I would recommend them.

Places NOT to eat in Memphis

Over the years, I've told readers and listeners about many of the best places to eat in Memphis and around the country. Today, I'm going to tell you the places you should avoid. These places are horrid. 

1. El Chico - simply atrocious. Not one edible item on the menu.
2. Applebee's - bland, boring. Don't bother.
3. O'Charley's - ditto.
4. Blue Plate Cafe - ought to be good, but it isn't.
5. Bahama Breeze -not worth the drive.
6. Whatever restaurant is currently at the northeast corner of Cooper and Young - that location is cursed.
7. McAllister's - except for the tea, nothing good here.
8. Molly's - living on past glories. Totally overated now. 
9. P.F. Chang's - chinese chain is an oxymoron.
10. Erika's - vomit inducing. Might be closed.

Fantasy Lapides remembers password, resumes blog

Folks, after all this time I'm still trying to figure out this darn inter-net. I finally found my password and am ready to resume blogging. More importantly, I've learned about twitter and have bought an account from them. Follow my twitters at http://twitter.com/georgelapides.

In the meantime, stop by Oak Hall this week for the semi-annual trunk sale. They've got some kind of deal on men's slacks.