Fantasy Lapides on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day will be here before you know it. Folks, don't act like Boat, waiting until the last minute, settling for wrong-sized gifts and overbooked restaurants. Take my advice: plan ahead. Here are my tips guaranteed to make that someone special feel like someone special.

Jewelry
Frankly, this is table stakes - you simply have to give it. But don't worry. Just go to Doron and mention my name to get an extra special discount.

Chocolate
Another must have. There's only one place to go - Dinstuhl's. Incidentally, pick up a bag of Cashew Crunch for yourself while you're there (trust me).

Dinner
Lots of fabulous options. Paulette's. Jim's Place Grille. JG Trattoria (Judd Grisanti's new place). Some folks think Germantown Commissary isn't romantic, but I'd argue that few things are more arousing than a beautiful woman eating a bar-b-que rib.

Hotel
Hilton Memphis or River Inn of Harbortown. Enough said.

Bonus
On your way back home the next day, wrap things up with breakfast at The Cupboard. Frankly, that's really going above and beyond.

There you have it. Plan ahead and you'll come out ahead. Who knows, maybe Boat will read this and heed my advice for a change.

Fantasy Lapides shares his dream Jeopardy board

Many are the perks of being the originator of sports talk in Memphis and the host of the longest running sports talk show in America. Among the best is having the day wide open after the show ends at 9am.

My post-show day pretty much revolves around being home at 3:30 to watch Jeopardy! on Newschannel 3. As you might suspect (from my prowess on Trivia Thursdays) I'm pretty darn good at playing. 

After all these years of playing along, I've come up with my "dream board". If I were ever a contestant and these categories came up, I'd frankly be unstoppable.

1. St. Louis Cardinals
2. SEC Football
3. Memphis Tiger Basketball
4. Restaurants/Places to Eat
5. Directions/Fastest ways to travel
6. Potent Potables

It's obvious that these are not the only areas of my expertise. So I'd likely ace other categories too. In the interest of fairness, I've instituted a self-imposed ban on actually being a Jeopardy contestant and will continue to play along in front of the T.V.

Places NOT to eat in Memphis

Over the years, I've told readers and listeners about many of the best places to eat in Memphis and around the country. Today, I'm going to tell you the places you should avoid. These places are horrid. 

1. El Chico - simply atrocious. Not one edible item on the menu.
2. Applebee's - bland, boring. Don't bother.
3. O'Charley's - ditto.
4. Blue Plate Cafe - ought to be good, but it isn't.
5. Bahama Breeze -not worth the drive.
6. Whatever restaurant is currently at the northeast corner of Cooper and Young - that location is cursed.
7. McAllister's - except for the tea, nothing good here.
8. Molly's - living on past glories. Totally overated now. 
9. P.F. Chang's - chinese chain is an oxymoron.
10. Erika's - vomit inducing. Might be closed.

Jarvo

I ate dinner at Huey's on Poplar tonight (had the new Madison burger; it's pretty good, but too much bun if you ask me) and ran into Jarvis Greer. I've known Jarvo since is days as a wide receiver for the tigers.

When Big Jack Eaton retired, Jarvo thought he was at the top of the local sports totem pole. Well, the day I took over the sports beat at News Channel 3, I paid Jarvo a visit to let me know it was time for him to return to the back seat. Naturally, he wasn't happy about it. So in the interest of fairness, I issued him a challenge: whoever eats the most Krystal hamburgers in one hour earns the title of "dean of Memphis sports."

He accepted, so we immediately drove over to the Krystal on Union (not that one on Poplar near East High School — which is god-awful). I stood in line ahead of Jarvo and ordered fifteen Krystals (I thought that was a good number to mess with his head). As I waited for my food, Jarvo placed his order: twenty Krystals with cheese. As soon as I heard him say the word cheese, I knew the title was in the bag. He'd be lucky to get down ten of those cheese Krystals before puking.

We got our food, sat down and started to eat. I had twelve in me when I noticed a look of severe pain on Jarvo's face. He'd eaten nine, but the cheese was taking a toll. I was on my fourteenth when he threw in the napkin, two bites into his eleventh and clutching his stomach in pain. To his credit, he was quite gracious in defeat. I heard he spent ten straight hours on the toilet afterwards.

Rain soaks Augusta. Pudding satisfies George.

All the rain at the Masters has really thrown a monkey in my wrench. I planned to spend the entire day following the leaderboard. But with the round postponed, I went to plan B: Lunch at the Germantown Commissary. Normally, I eat a slab of ribs and potato salad. But today I was feeling frisky and decided to get a quart of banana pudding. Believe me, nobody makes pudding like the commissary. Smooth. Creamy. Fruity. Sweet, but not too sweet. Perfection by the spoonful.

Houston's: really good place for lunch or dinner

I really enjoy Houston's restaurant. For years, I've asked them to become a sponsor of Sports Time (trading on-air endorsements for meals), but they're just not interested. It doesn't matter though, I keep going - sometimes several times a week. Of the hundreds of meals I've eaten there, I can't think of a single thing that wasn't delicious. Even the chicken is good, and I don't care much for chicken. Be sure to get the tortilla soup. Trust me, it's some kind of good.

Fantasy Lapides Ranks The Top 25 Burgers (Memphis Area)

1) Fantasy George's grill. I cook the best burger at home. 10 stars out of 10.
2) Mortimer's. The Mortburger is the best restaurant burger. 9 stars.
3) Belmont Grill. Hearty. 8.5 stars.
4) East End Grill. Similar to Belmont. 8.5 stars.
5) Houston's. A whole lot of burger. 8 stars.
6) Ridgeway CC. Great for lunch after golf. 8.25 stars.
7) Dyer's. One of a kind. 7.75 stars.
8) Fox Ridge Pizza. Huge. 7.5 stars.
9) RP Tracks. Tasty, good atmosphere. 7.25 stars.
10) Chili's. Get the peppercorn burger. 7 stars.
11) Tops BBQ. It's some kind of good. 7 stars.
12) Bradley's. Trust me. 6.75 stars.
13) Young Avenue Deli. Get it with mustard, onions and pickles. 6.75 stars.
14) Alex's Tavern. A really good late night burger. 6.5 stars.
15) Huey's. Not bad, but a bit overrated. 6 stars.
16) Backyard Burger. Best of the fast-food joints. 5.5 stars.
17) Uncle Lou's. Classic. 5.25 stars.
18) FedEx Forum. Better than expected. 5 stars.
19) Elliot's. Great lunch burger. 5 stars.
20) Dale's. Known for homecookin', but the burger is good too. 4.75 stars.
21) Roxie's Grocery. Good if your in that part of town. 4.5 stars.
22) Sonic. Really. 4.00 stars.
23) Krystal. One of a kind. 3.75 stars.
24) Wendy's. Juicy. 3.5 stars.
25) Blue Monkey. In a pinch, the monkey burger hits the spot. 3 stars.

Dishonorable mention:
Applebee's. Depressing. 0.75 stars.
McDonald's. Terrible. 0.5 stars.
Burger King. Horrendous. 0 stars.

Olive Branch Dodge's Store-great tater wedges

Next time you're in Olive Branch, do yourself a favor. Stop by a Dodge's Store and pick up a bag of potato wedges. I usually get 8 or 10 and eat them right there in the parking lot. That's right–the parking lot. Sometimes I eat them with ketchup. But they're best plain with just a little salt and pepper. Doesn't really matter what you put on them though. They are some kind of good.

When you there, tell them George sent you. They won't give you a discount, but I appreciate the publicity.

Poor Boy

And I forgot to mention that if you're headed out of town to UAB and you're not in the mood for bar-b-que, you can head to Mr. B's in the Carrefour at Kirby and Poplar Pike for a quick fill-up. They have a Shrimp Poor Boy you wouldn't believe. I would dare say it's their signature dish. It is some kind of good. Just the other day I was in there at lunch and ran into my good friend Tommy West. We talked about football, the top 25 ranking, and just life in general. Tommy really is a great guy.