Fantasy Lapides on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day will be here before you know it. Folks, don't act like Boat, waiting until the last minute, settling for wrong-sized gifts and overbooked restaurants. Take my advice: plan ahead. Here are my tips guaranteed to make that someone special feel like someone special.

Jewelry
Frankly, this is table stakes - you simply have to give it. But don't worry. Just go to Doron and mention my name to get an extra special discount.

Chocolate
Another must have. There's only one place to go - Dinstuhl's. Incidentally, pick up a bag of Cashew Crunch for yourself while you're there (trust me).

Dinner
Lots of fabulous options. Paulette's. Jim's Place Grille. JG Trattoria (Judd Grisanti's new place). Some folks think Germantown Commissary isn't romantic, but I'd argue that few things are more arousing than a beautiful woman eating a bar-b-que rib.

Hotel
Hilton Memphis or River Inn of Harbortown. Enough said.

Bonus
On your way back home the next day, wrap things up with breakfast at The Cupboard. Frankly, that's really going above and beyond.

There you have it. Plan ahead and you'll come out ahead. Who knows, maybe Boat will read this and heed my advice for a change.

Fantasy Lapides Ranks SEC Coaches

Being down at SEC Media Days, everybody's talking about and predicting how well their teams will do. As the originator of sports-talk radio in Memphis, I naturally found a different angle to cover this event.

Instead of ranking coaches on their coaching ability (which all hack reporters or colunmists do), I'm ranking them on a combination of golf ability, personality, and taste in food. I call it the Fantasy George index.

Top Tier: These fellows are terrific. High marks across all categories.

• Steve Spurrier: No contest. The old ball coach is the best.
• Houston Nutt: He's a pisser.
• Mark Richt: A good guy. You can trust his restaurant recommendations.
• Rich Brooks: A better golfer than you'd expect. And he knows everybody.
• Tommy Tuberville: HONORARY - Tommy, you'll be missed.

2nd Tier: Generally good, but some flaw keeps them out of the top group. 

• Urban Meyer: Good golfer, but not much fun to be around.
• Gene Chizik: Terrible golfer.
• Bobby Johnson: Great story teller, but terrible taste in food.

Bottom Tier: Major problems. Frankly, I don't want to be around any of them for more than 5 minutes. 

• Bobby Petrino: Jerk.
• Dan Mullen: Bad golfer and terribly boring.
• Les Miles: Unbearible.
• Nick Saban: All the bad stuff you've read is true. None of the good stuff is.
• Lane Kiffin: Terrible in every way. California must have done it to him because I know Monte raised him right.

There you have it folks.

Fantasy Lapides reveals top ways to drive from East Memphis to Downtown

Between driving to sports events, to interviews, and to visit my sponsors, I've driven a lot of miles in Memphis. And I really know how to get around this place. Today I'll highlight some of the best ways to get from East Memphis to Downtown.

Best route overall: Walnut Grove to Perkins to Sam Cooper to E. Parkway to N. Parkway to 3rd Street.

2nd Best route overall: Park to Goodlett to Central to Cooper to Peabody to Linden to 2nd Street.

Best route 9am-4pm: Park to Goodlett to Poplar to Union to 2nd Street (avoid during rush hour).

Best route through Orange Mound: Park to Lamar to Linden to 2nd Street.

Best route between 8pm-6am: Walnut Grove to Poplar to 3rd Street.

Best Interstate Route: I-40 Westbound, exit on 2nd/3rd St.

Streets to avoid at all times: Madison, Highland between Central and Park, Summer.

I also have directions and best routes for all sorts of places outside Memphis such as Brownsville, Birmingham, St. Louis, etc. I'll post those later.

Fantasy Lapides shares his dream Jeopardy board

Many are the perks of being the originator of sports talk in Memphis and the host of the longest running sports talk show in America. Among the best is having the day wide open after the show ends at 9am.

My post-show day pretty much revolves around being home at 3:30 to watch Jeopardy! on Newschannel 3. As you might suspect (from my prowess on Trivia Thursdays) I'm pretty darn good at playing. 

After all these years of playing along, I've come up with my "dream board". If I were ever a contestant and these categories came up, I'd frankly be unstoppable.

1. St. Louis Cardinals
2. SEC Football
3. Memphis Tiger Basketball
4. Restaurants/Places to Eat
5. Directions/Fastest ways to travel
6. Potent Potables

It's obvious that these are not the only areas of my expertise. So I'd likely ace other categories too. In the interest of fairness, I've instituted a self-imposed ban on actually being a Jeopardy contestant and will continue to play along in front of the T.V.

Fantasy Lapides comments on the ASA's list of Top 50 Broadcasters

One of my listeners sent me a link the American Sportscasters Association's list of Top 50 sportscasters. I reviewed it and I've got to tell you, this list is horrendous. Besides the fact that I was not asked to contribute, here are 3 reasons why you can safely dismiss this list:

#10 Dick Emberg - this hack? you've got to be kidding me. 

#35 Chris Berman - seriously? he's a moron.

#39 Bill Walton - I'm speechless.

Furthermore, a list of great sportscasters that omits John Ward is worthless. Now, we  all agree that the Tennessee Vols are just about the most obnoxious college program around, but we can't deny John Ward's greatness.

Advise for Tom

If I was the father of Tom Cruise, I'd sit him down for a talk to tell him that he's acting like a damn fool (pardon my french). I'd also tell him it's OK to be gay and to stop pretending to be otherwise. Besides, it's no secret — eveyone already knows. Finally, I'd tell him to leave that poor Katie Holmes alone; those staged public displays of affection make people feel some kind of uncomfortable.

Star Wars

All this hoopla about Star Wars is darn silly. How any adult could care about yodas and wookies and jedis is beyond me.

Off-centered

Why does Dontrelle Willis wear his cap off to the side? It looks uncomfortable and, frankly, unprofessional.

Derby Results and Commentary

Final results from the Kentucky Derby:

1. Giacomo
2. Closing Argument
3. Afleet Alex
4. Don't Get Mad
5. Buzzards Bay
6. Wilko
7. Bellamy Road
8. Andromeda's Hero
9. Flower Alley
10. High Fly
11. Greeley's Galaxy
12. Coin Silver
13. Greater Good
14. Noble Causeway
15. Sun King
16. Spanish Chestnut
17. Sort It Out
18. Going Wild
19. Bandini
20. High Limit

Giacomo returned $45 for a place bet and $19.80 to show. Closing Argument paid $70 and $24.80. Afleet Alex paid $4.60.

An exacta paid $9,800-plus. Those don't happen much, but that became the payoff for a $2 wager picking the top two finishers in order. The trifecta paid $133,000.

Needless to say, I didn't collect a big payout. My horse, Bandini, was shipped to the glue factory immediately after the race.

Rain soaks Augusta. Pudding satisfies George.

All the rain at the Masters has really thrown a monkey in my wrench. I planned to spend the entire day following the leaderboard. But with the round postponed, I went to plan B: Lunch at the Germantown Commissary. Normally, I eat a slab of ribs and potato salad. But today I was feeling frisky and decided to get a quart of banana pudding. Believe me, nobody makes pudding like the commissary. Smooth. Creamy. Fruity. Sweet, but not too sweet. Perfection by the spoonful.

Houston's: really good place for lunch or dinner

I really enjoy Houston's restaurant. For years, I've asked them to become a sponsor of Sports Time (trading on-air endorsements for meals), but they're just not interested. It doesn't matter though, I keep going - sometimes several times a week. Of the hundreds of meals I've eaten there, I can't think of a single thing that wasn't delicious. Even the chicken is good, and I don't care much for chicken. Be sure to get the tortilla soup. Trust me, it's some kind of good.