Fantasy Lapides on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day will be here before you know it. Folks, don't act like Boat, waiting until the last minute, settling for wrong-sized gifts and overbooked restaurants. Take my advice: plan ahead. Here are my tips guaranteed to make that someone special feel like someone special.

Jewelry
Frankly, this is table stakes - you simply have to give it. But don't worry. Just go to Doron and mention my name to get an extra special discount.

Chocolate
Another must have. There's only one place to go - Dinstuhl's. Incidentally, pick up a bag of Cashew Crunch for yourself while you're there (trust me).

Dinner
Lots of fabulous options. Paulette's. Jim's Place Grille. JG Trattoria (Judd Grisanti's new place). Some folks think Germantown Commissary isn't romantic, but I'd argue that few things are more arousing than a beautiful woman eating a bar-b-que rib.

Hotel
Hilton Memphis or River Inn of Harbortown. Enough said.

Bonus
On your way back home the next day, wrap things up with breakfast at The Cupboard. Frankly, that's really going above and beyond.

There you have it. Plan ahead and you'll come out ahead. Who knows, maybe Boat will read this and heed my advice for a change.

The Best of Memphis According to Fantasy Lapides

It’s come to my attention that the Memphis Flyer published its annual“Best of Memphis” reader poll. Like all polls, the last thing you want to do is to let the public contribute. So as I do with college football polls and other rankings, I’ll give you my list which naturally is much more accurate than anything else out there, frankly.

Best Chef: (3 way tie) Ronnie Grisanti, Judd Grisanti, Alex Grisanti
Best Lunch: (3 way tie) Mr. B’s, Germantown Commissary, Mortimers
Best Breakfast: The Cupboard
Best Steak: Mr. Bs
Best Chopped Steak: Mr. B’s
Best Crawfish Étouffée: Mr. Bs
Best Lamb Chops: Mr. B’s
Best BBQ: Germantown Commissary
Best Brunswick Stew: Germantown Commissary
Best Burger: Already covered previously
Best Fried Chicken: Gus’s (you can't deny that it’s some kind of good)
Best Dinner Spot on Houston Levee Road: Jim’s Place Grill
Best Restaurant Where You Don’t Have to Shout to Have a Conversation: Paulette’s
Best Hotel: (2 way tie) Hilton, River Inn of Harbortown
Best Bank: Bank of Bartlett (Honorable Mention goes to the Land Bank of North Mississippi)
Best Insurance Agent: Zootie Loosier
Best Meat Packer: Fineburg Packing Company
Best Dry Cleaner: Bensinger’s (11 locations, but I prefer Poplar near White Station)
Best Dairy: Turner Dairy
Best Candy: Dinstuhl’s (Laurelwood location is best)
Best Clothing Store: Oak Hall (Honorable Mention goes to Vineyard Vines by Oak Hall)
Best Golf Shop: Edwin Watt’s Golf
Best Outdoors Store (for hunting and fishing, etc.): Tommy Bronson
Best Shipping Company: FedEx
Best Ford Dealer: Landers Ford Lincoln Mercury
Best Place for a Haircut or a Massage or a Facial: Gould’s
Best Diamond Merchant and Swiss Watch Selection: Doron’s Diamond Merchant
Best Baseball Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Best Local Sports Team: Memphis Tigers (basketball only)
Best Longest Running Sports Talk Show in America: Sportstime with George Lapides
Best Potential Successor to Boat Woloshin as Sports Time Co-Host: Greg Gaston (the kid’s got potential)

UPDATE FROM FANTASY LAPIDES
Some readers pointed out a couple of oversights on my part, so here are a few late additions.

Best Airport Parking Facility: Park It Here (did you know they offer valet service?)
Best Frozen Fruit Salad: Mortimer's
Best Moussaka: Jim's Place Grill
Best Company to Make Your Backyard Look Fabulous: Pettit's Lawnscapes
Best Company to Call When Your A/C or Heat is on the Fritz: Climate Zone
Best Place for Coffee and Interesting Gifts and Whatnot: Crema Coffee

Fantasy Lapides Ranks SEC Coaches

Being down at SEC Media Days, everybody's talking about and predicting how well their teams will do. As the originator of sports-talk radio in Memphis, I naturally found a different angle to cover this event.

Instead of ranking coaches on their coaching ability (which all hack reporters or colunmists do), I'm ranking them on a combination of golf ability, personality, and taste in food. I call it the Fantasy George index.

Top Tier: These fellows are terrific. High marks across all categories.

• Steve Spurrier: No contest. The old ball coach is the best.
• Houston Nutt: He's a pisser.
• Mark Richt: A good guy. You can trust his restaurant recommendations.
• Rich Brooks: A better golfer than you'd expect. And he knows everybody.
• Tommy Tuberville: HONORARY - Tommy, you'll be missed.

2nd Tier: Generally good, but some flaw keeps them out of the top group. 

• Urban Meyer: Good golfer, but not much fun to be around.
• Gene Chizik: Terrible golfer.
• Bobby Johnson: Great story teller, but terrible taste in food.

Bottom Tier: Major problems. Frankly, I don't want to be around any of them for more than 5 minutes. 

• Bobby Petrino: Jerk.
• Dan Mullen: Bad golfer and terribly boring.
• Les Miles: Unbearible.
• Nick Saban: All the bad stuff you've read is true. None of the good stuff is.
• Lane Kiffin: Terrible in every way. California must have done it to him because I know Monte raised him right.

There you have it folks.

Fantasy Lapides reveals top ways to drive from East Memphis to Downtown

Between driving to sports events, to interviews, and to visit my sponsors, I've driven a lot of miles in Memphis. And I really know how to get around this place. Today I'll highlight some of the best ways to get from East Memphis to Downtown.

Best route overall: Walnut Grove to Perkins to Sam Cooper to E. Parkway to N. Parkway to 3rd Street.

2nd Best route overall: Park to Goodlett to Central to Cooper to Peabody to Linden to 2nd Street.

Best route 9am-4pm: Park to Goodlett to Poplar to Union to 2nd Street (avoid during rush hour).

Best route through Orange Mound: Park to Lamar to Linden to 2nd Street.

Best route between 8pm-6am: Walnut Grove to Poplar to 3rd Street.

Best Interstate Route: I-40 Westbound, exit on 2nd/3rd St.

Streets to avoid at all times: Madison, Highland between Central and Park, Summer.

I also have directions and best routes for all sorts of places outside Memphis such as Brownsville, Birmingham, St. Louis, etc. I'll post those later.

Kansas City: The Armpit of America

You probably noticed from my recent tweets that I can't stand Kansas City (Missouri or Kansas, but especially Kansas). Normally, I wouldn't waste my time writing a blogpage about Kansas City - even to describe how much I hate it. But I'm stuck here for 3 days to watch the Tigers in the Tournament, so all the reasons why this place hacks me off are fresh on my mind.

Besides, I need something to occupy my time in the hotel room.

Their Bar-B-Que

Kansas City style bar-b-que is underserving of the name. Beef brisket drowned in too-sweet sauce tastes horrendous. The worst from Memphis is better than KC's best.

Their Restaurants In General

Are just average. There's nothing special here.

The Royals

Talk about a poorly run baseball club. The Redbirds field a more competitive team. Their owners are some of the biggest tighwads I ever met.

Their Weather

Generally awful. Even by Memphis standards.

Their Manners

Among the most poorly mannered people I've ever encountered. They make the German tourists seem downright courtly.

Their Appearance

Based on the beauty of the average citizen KC, there must be a requirement for all residents to be hit in the face with the ugly stick. Their collective waistlines suggest that everyone eats a pound or 2 of brisket every day. I also suspect that there is a city-wide ban on cosmetics and beauty shops.

In Conclusion

Frankly, I think Mike Slive was settling an old score by seeding Memphis 2 in the West and forcing me to return here. God knows the Tigers are about the only reason I'd come here (the other being if the Cardinals played KC in the World Series, but that's unlikely - see above).